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Going Back to Where I've Been [Apr. 26th, 2007|09:09 am]
gr8snood
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I left my Landscape Architecture job last week. Gary just couldn't seem to pay me regularly and it was tough having to fight for each paycheck. I really enjoyed the work, though, which I think is why I stayed on as long as I did. Now I'm getting ready to start training for the IT certifications that I have been putting off for years. I always wanted to get them, but it just never seemed to be the right time and I often just got caught up in work and forgot about my own professional development.

In so many ways, it feels like I'm tying up loose ends since my children were born. Working for Gary, I feel like I was going back to my college experience and confronting all those endless all-nighters and rediscovering how working hard and actually seeing something be built is so satisfying. At the same time, I feel good about being able to leave it when the time came to move on. Now I am going back to the field where I always shined. It's exciting, but at the same time, a little nerve-wracking. Because of taking time off to have children, I'm starting back off at the bottom of the pack and having to apply for desktop support positions. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy desktop support because you get to work with the users more, but it's just feels a little sad to be starting out where I began back in college, fixing computers for Charlie in Crop Sciences. I hope after I get my certifications I'll be able to get a position that is more a mix of desktop and server support.

The kids are doing well and growing like weeds and Jeff has his stress test for his latest eye surgery today. Other than that, life is the pursuit of a job. I'm really hoping to hear back by the end of the week and have some interviews lined up for next week.
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Waiting For The World To Change [Feb. 4th, 2007|08:20 pm]
gr8snood
[Current Location |cold, next to the window]
[mood |melancholymelancholy]
[music |New Slang, The Shins]

What if you knew, the night before, that everything was going to change when you woke up?  What would you do?  Would you celebrate your old life or prepare for the new?  Would you stay up late thinking about it or would to go to bed early to rest up for it?  What would you write in your journal?

Tomorrow is my first full day of work since I was married and had children.  I have too many mixed feelings about it to sort it all out here.  I don't really have a choice, so there's no way to avoid this.  It was always going to happen eventually, but I didn't expect it so soon.  I love my babies, but bills must be paid and I've had more time alone at home with them than so many mothers get.  Still, I can't help feeling wistful as I think of all the things I am going to miss (playing pirate with Ian, watching them nap and smelling their hair as they do) and all the things I won't (endless dirty diapers, refilling sippy cups).  I am a little excited about spending all day tomorrow at the job site, but I also wish I could tuck my 11-month-old daughter into my jacket and take her with me.  She is so attached to me at this age, so eager to be held and so angry when I can't.  I just can't imagine how she will handle another woman's arms instead of mine.  I know she'll be all right, but I worry about her driving the poor babysitter crazy with her temper and I worry that I won't be able to handle not being the one to wipe the tears off her tiny red face, so flushed with anger.

I know that with time this will feel normal.  I know that the kids will be just fine and even I'll adjust.  It probably won't be long before I'm working full time all week, not just 2 days.  I know that I'll be proud to bring home my paycheck and to help support my family.  Yes, I know all of this, but for some reason my heart just doesn't seem to listen to my head...it just keeps on being confused, going from excitement to dread to sorrow to guilt and all back around.

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A Springtime of Possibilities [Jan. 25th, 2007|10:51 am]
gr8snood
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |Wow Wow Wubsy singing to my son]

It seems like life only speeds up every day. With each year, the months fly by at a faster and faster speed, leaving me almost out of breath. Already we are nearing the end of January and the first breaths of spring are coming to the coast. Even more astounding, we are nearing my daughter's first birthday...a milestone that has me completely baffled. I mean, didn't I just give birth yesterday? My son's first year seemed to be a lifetime unto itself. The days slowly unfolded as I watched him grow, cherishing each tiny accomplishment, from rolling over to sitting up, to crawling, and then, at a mere 9 months, walking. This time around, it seems like I've barely had time to take a breath and now my baby is turning 1.

The harder I try to hold on to time, the quicker it slips through my fingers like the sand my son tosses on the beach. Sure, we carry memories with us, just like that sand that then finds its way into every crack and crevice of the car, the house, our shoes, and of course, diapers, but that sand is not the beach itself...just a tiny memory of the huge stretch we just walked on. The moment I adjust to one stage my children are in and begin to feel confident as a parent, they grow past it into another and I'm unbalanced yet again, trying to stay upright on one foot while juggling all the demands of motherhood, work, life.

I love the constant struggle to keep up, as much as I wish it would all just slow down. I love never knowing what's behind the next corner and I love the constant thrill of conquering the next obstacle. Every year I vow to take more time to stop and play and to take more pictures as I go and each spring brings a whole new wealth of ideas of how to capture each moment and hoard it. I love that I've lived here in Florida for 2 years and it seems far more like 2 months. I love that there is still so much we want to do with our house that we planned to do in the first few months because that means that there is still more that can be done to improve it and our lives. Most of all, I love spring because it seems like everything, including hopes, comes back to life.
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On the Eve of the Eve... [Dec. 30th, 2006|09:10 pm]
gr8snood
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I am happy.  I don't know if I really care about the practice of New Years.  I never watch the ball drop.  I don't usually count down.  It's been years since I used it as an excuse to imbibe.  Still, I love the idea of New Year's Eve.  I love the idea of celebrating the events and accomplishments of the past year while also celebrating the hopes and dreams for a fresh start in the next.  It's an extremely hopeful kind of holiday in which anything is possible.  Just the idea that a resolution could be made that night and actually be kept that changes a person's life is itself amazing.  The belief that we each have the power to change direction in the coming year and to make changes in our lives that we've always wanted is powerful.

Still, I can't really remember making any New Year's resolutions.  I guess I've always kind of half-laughed at them because they often are the subject of jokes.  The majority of resolutions barely survive past January.  Most of them revolve around losing weight or other healthy habits, but few of us are ever able to live up to our own expectations.  Many people make the same resolution every year, perhaps hoping that this is the year that will be different.  What would I make as a resolution?  What would I resolve to do in the next year that would be different than any other year before it?  I'm not sure.  Of course, there are plenty of things I'd like to change or habits I'd like to break or add, but none of them off the top of my head seem important enough to fit the title of "New Year's Resolution."  I'd like to go to the beach more, but is that really life-changing?  I'd like to be stronger in the face of chocolate, but that's not really as grand as losing a large amount of weight or quitting smoking or something like that.  The changes I want to make are the ones I know I can and those are all small changes.  At this point, with 2 children, a wayward dog, and a part-time job, I just don't have the time or energy to make huge corrections in the course of my life.  Probably even more important, I'm rather happy with my current course.  I live pretty healthfully.  My vices are small and manageable.  I have all that I really need plus a few extra luxuries.  Most of all, I have people and animals to love and care for.

Perhaps I should resolve to appreciate what I have more in the coming year instead of looking for something that I lack to wish for!  Happy New Year's to everyone and I hope your resolutions come to completion!
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Shopping for ??? [May. 20th, 2005|09:00 pm]
gr8snood
[mood |quixoticquixotic]

I bought a grocery cart today. Yep, a red and yellow plastic grocery cart with assorted plastic food. Why? Well, it's just another unadulterated case of "I had this, so my kid(s) should, too." I remember pushing my little yellow and red plastic shopping cart through the house carrying a green plastic t-bone, so, naturally, I believe my child should have a similar first experience with the world of commerce. As much as I tried to rationalize this purchase to myself and my husband as the cheap plastic gleamed at us at Target, this just falls into one of those weird sentimental realms that is hard for a parent to truly justify. No, I don't think my child would ever have hated me for not buying him a shopping cart and I doubt it would have retarded his mental, emotional, or physical development, but it might have deprived me of a couple of cute photo ops. For $20, it seemed like a great bargain.

Other than that, life has mainly revolved around Florida allergy season and watching Dr. Phil in order to prove to myself that I am not the worst parent in the country. (Meanwhile, while I watch, my son gets into everything a 1 1/2-year-old can get into.) This weekend I will make my first real attempt at fitting into what the Bealles (a clothing store down here) commercials glibly call, "The Florida Lifestyle." No, I will not be going for plastic surgery or tanning myself into a living cremated beast, but I will be going to a day spa. That's right, me, the midwest farmer's daughter who gave up a long time ago on nail polish is going to be getting a massage, a facial, and some sort of waxy thing done to my hands. (Hopefully that isn't some strange code word for a brazilian wax!) My husband bought me a gift certificate for this adventure for mother's day. I'm just hoping that I don't embarass myself totally in front of all the important socialites I am certain will be there. Heck, this could be my big chance to break into high society! Actually, I'm mostly just excited for a couple of hours without a toddler in tow and hopefully a bit of quiet.
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